Hey everybody! This is an Amazing Spider-Man 2 parody. Please tell me if I'm not allowed to do this.
INTERIOR. Oscorp. Evil experiments wing. So apparently the whole building.
Richard Parker poisons and kills his experimental super power giving spiders.
RICHARD: There! Now I have successfully killed the spiders that the movie will establish are useless to everyone but me and my son, making this an utter time waster and completely pointless!
Richard's security clearance is revoked!
RICHARD: Oh no! What a completely foreseen occurrence that I knew was coming and yet has taken me completely by surprise!
Richard rushes out of the building, apparently being chased by approximately ZERO security guards, despite him setting off an alarm.
INTERIOR. Peter Parker's house of loserdom. Basement.
Richard records a VIDEO of himself.
RICHARD: So, I'm being hunted by an evil corporation that wants to kill me and the government who wants to throw me in prison as a traitor. Naturally, this makes me want to waste time recording a video that there's a one and a million chance anyone will ever see. I'm a genius, by the way.
PETER: Dad! I've realized how pathetic it is that I am apparently playing hide and go seek by myself!
Richard stops the recording and runs up the stairs and into his office.
RICHARD: Oscorp has ransacked my office! For some reason! And without making any noise!
INTERIOR. The house of Aunt May and someone unimportant named Ben.
Mary and Richard say goodbye to Peter. Peter grabs Richard's hand as he walks out the door.
PETER: Dad! Please don't leave me with these clearly inadequate and unimportant guardians!
RICHARD: Sorry son, but the last movie established that you didn't grab my hand, so good riddance.
Richard and Mary leave.
INTERIOR. Plane.
MARY: He won't understand.
RICHARD: I don't even understand it! If my blood is what makes the spiders usable, why am I leaving my son completely unprotected and open to be used as leverage against us?! And why did I leave my briefcase with my clearly unimportant brother and his wife May that could surely put them in horrible danger?! Am I just that big of a douche?!
EVIL ASSASSIN (bursts in): Apparently!
The Assassin kills Mary!
RICHARD: NO! Eh, who cares.
The plane begins CRASHING because it sensed that there was a need for DRAMATIC TENSION and the DEATHS OF THE MAIN CHARACTER'S PARENTS. Richard fights and defeats the Assassin, because scientists can totally just do that, ask Man Of Steel. The Assassin is sucked out of the plane's window.
EVIL ASSASSIN: I REGRET NOTHING!
Richard uploads his video to his batcave on his computer FROM THE FUTURE!
CUT TO BLACK.
Fade to a red spider instead of a title because Marc Webb thinks he's Christopher Nolan. Open in a complete tonal shift from the first film, because if there's one thing people love it's when a sequel blows off half of the concepts of the first film to pander to people who hated it. Peter swings through New-York, after apparently jumping out of an airplane. A helpful blowhorn announces police business to the public so Peter can hear and help stop the Oscorp plutonium truck that has been stolen by someone the audience doesn't know that name of.
RUSSIAN MOBSTER: SAY HELLO TO ALESKI SKETCHOVITCH!
Well, thanks, that was helpful. Peter lands on the truck and proceeds to act like a total douchebag, because Marc Webb decided that THAT was what needed to be preserved from the last movie.
ALESKI: Why are you making jokes and not stopping me from running over all of these people in their cars?!
PETER: Pfft! Heroes don't have to save people anymore! They just have to kill the bad guy and have angst about stuff! Unless, of course, those people are important to the plot. Speaking of which!
Swings away to save Max Dillon and ONLY Max Dillon.
MAX: WOW! You saved me and no one else! I must be pretty important to you!
PETER: Nope. The writers just need a contrived and lazy reason for us to meet so you can have an equally contrived and lazy reason to hate me, because literally 2 minutes of thought was put into the plot and characterization of this movie!
Is glared at by Marc Webb, Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci and the entire board of directors at Sony.
PETER: Uh, I mean, YEAH! Of course you're important! You're my eyes and ears out here, and stuff... You're so important that I'm going to stand here and boost your ego instead of stopping the stolen plutonium truck being driven by Aleski Sketchovitch, who seems to be on crack!
Peter's phone magically appears out of nowhere, as it rings his theme song (cute right?) and he is then hit by a vehicle, because what's spider-sense again? It's Gwen. Peter then hallucinates (or sees the ghost of? Eh, who knows? Not the writers and director that's for sure.) CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY!
PETER (shrieks in TERROR): HOLY CRAP! PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THIS MOVIE WAS DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHAMYLAN!
GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: No. Worse. Marc Webb again.
PETER (shrieks in TERROR again): NNNNOOOOOO!
GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: Will you just shut up and answers the phone already!? I'm contractually obligated to be in this movie, but if my scenes are short enough no one will pay close attention to me and my career won't be ruined by this.
Peter answers the phone while riding on the vehicle.
GWEN: Peter, where are you?
PETER: Seriously? Do you have ask? You do remember I'm Spider-Man, right?
GWEN: Of course! Are those sirens?
PETER: *FACE-PALMS*
ANNOUNCER: Valedictorian, Gwen Stacy!
GWEN: Holy crap! I'm valedictorian?! I thought this sash was just a fashion accessory!
Peter slap sticks his way through grabbing the plutonium.
GWEN: I was going to give a big pretentious speech about how I now know more about life than any of you, but I decided to just come out and say that I am totally going to be killed off at the end of this movie, because I figured that that would be more subtle.
Peter stops the truck and defeats Aleski with the power of grade-school bullying!
That was part one. Please review and tell me what you think!
INTERIOR. Oscorp. Evil experiments wing. So apparently the whole building.
Richard Parker poisons and kills his experimental super power giving spiders.
RICHARD: There! Now I have successfully killed the spiders that the movie will establish are useless to everyone but me and my son, making this an utter time waster and completely pointless!
Richard's security clearance is revoked!
RICHARD: Oh no! What a completely foreseen occurrence that I knew was coming and yet has taken me completely by surprise!
Richard rushes out of the building, apparently being chased by approximately ZERO security guards, despite him setting off an alarm.
INTERIOR. Peter Parker's house of loserdom. Basement.
Richard records a VIDEO of himself.
RICHARD: So, I'm being hunted by an evil corporation that wants to kill me and the government who wants to throw me in prison as a traitor. Naturally, this makes me want to waste time recording a video that there's a one and a million chance anyone will ever see. I'm a genius, by the way.
PETER: Dad! I've realized how pathetic it is that I am apparently playing hide and go seek by myself!
Richard stops the recording and runs up the stairs and into his office.
RICHARD: Oscorp has ransacked my office! For some reason! And without making any noise!
INTERIOR. The house of Aunt May and someone unimportant named Ben.
Mary and Richard say goodbye to Peter. Peter grabs Richard's hand as he walks out the door.
PETER: Dad! Please don't leave me with these clearly inadequate and unimportant guardians!
RICHARD: Sorry son, but the last movie established that you didn't grab my hand, so good riddance.
Richard and Mary leave.
INTERIOR. Plane.
MARY: He won't understand.
RICHARD: I don't even understand it! If my blood is what makes the spiders usable, why am I leaving my son completely unprotected and open to be used as leverage against us?! And why did I leave my briefcase with my clearly unimportant brother and his wife May that could surely put them in horrible danger?! Am I just that big of a douche?!
EVIL ASSASSIN (bursts in): Apparently!
The Assassin kills Mary!
RICHARD: NO! Eh, who cares.
The plane begins CRASHING because it sensed that there was a need for DRAMATIC TENSION and the DEATHS OF THE MAIN CHARACTER'S PARENTS. Richard fights and defeats the Assassin, because scientists can totally just do that, ask Man Of Steel. The Assassin is sucked out of the plane's window.
EVIL ASSASSIN: I REGRET NOTHING!
Richard uploads his video to his batcave on his computer FROM THE FUTURE!
CUT TO BLACK.
Fade to a red spider instead of a title because Marc Webb thinks he's Christopher Nolan. Open in a complete tonal shift from the first film, because if there's one thing people love it's when a sequel blows off half of the concepts of the first film to pander to people who hated it. Peter swings through New-York, after apparently jumping out of an airplane. A helpful blowhorn announces police business to the public so Peter can hear and help stop the Oscorp plutonium truck that has been stolen by someone the audience doesn't know that name of.
RUSSIAN MOBSTER: SAY HELLO TO ALESKI SKETCHOVITCH!
Well, thanks, that was helpful. Peter lands on the truck and proceeds to act like a total douchebag, because Marc Webb decided that THAT was what needed to be preserved from the last movie.
ALESKI: Why are you making jokes and not stopping me from running over all of these people in their cars?!
PETER: Pfft! Heroes don't have to save people anymore! They just have to kill the bad guy and have angst about stuff! Unless, of course, those people are important to the plot. Speaking of which!
Swings away to save Max Dillon and ONLY Max Dillon.
MAX: WOW! You saved me and no one else! I must be pretty important to you!
PETER: Nope. The writers just need a contrived and lazy reason for us to meet so you can have an equally contrived and lazy reason to hate me, because literally 2 minutes of thought was put into the plot and characterization of this movie!
Is glared at by Marc Webb, Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci and the entire board of directors at Sony.
PETER: Uh, I mean, YEAH! Of course you're important! You're my eyes and ears out here, and stuff... You're so important that I'm going to stand here and boost your ego instead of stopping the stolen plutonium truck being driven by Aleski Sketchovitch, who seems to be on crack!
Peter's phone magically appears out of nowhere, as it rings his theme song (cute right?) and he is then hit by a vehicle, because what's spider-sense again? It's Gwen. Peter then hallucinates (or sees the ghost of? Eh, who knows? Not the writers and director that's for sure.) CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY!
PETER (shrieks in TERROR): HOLY CRAP! PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THIS MOVIE WAS DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHAMYLAN!
GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: No. Worse. Marc Webb again.
PETER (shrieks in TERROR again): NNNNOOOOOO!
GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: Will you just shut up and answers the phone already!? I'm contractually obligated to be in this movie, but if my scenes are short enough no one will pay close attention to me and my career won't be ruined by this.
Peter answers the phone while riding on the vehicle.
GWEN: Peter, where are you?
PETER: Seriously? Do you have ask? You do remember I'm Spider-Man, right?
GWEN: Of course! Are those sirens?
PETER: *FACE-PALMS*
ANNOUNCER: Valedictorian, Gwen Stacy!
GWEN: Holy crap! I'm valedictorian?! I thought this sash was just a fashion accessory!
Peter slap sticks his way through grabbing the plutonium.
GWEN: I was going to give a big pretentious speech about how I now know more about life than any of you, but I decided to just come out and say that I am totally going to be killed off at the end of this movie, because I figured that that would be more subtle.
Peter stops the truck and defeats Aleski with the power of grade-school bullying!
That was part one. Please review and tell me what you think!
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